Hell Has No Clocks

On Friday, I went to Hell and I’m proud to say I survived its fiery pit of misery.  The government might want to call it a “Social Security” office, but if you’ve ever stepped in there, you know “Hell” is a better definition.

If you’re a man under retirement age, chances are you’ve never been to Hell.  Up until Friday, I myself never stepped inside Hell.  If it were up to me, I’d avoid this place completely for the rest of my life and would consider dying childless before I’m 60 just to insure I’d never have to step in there again.

Although I’ve been married almost two years, I never bothered getting my name changed through social security.  I probably never would have either if I hadn’t changed my name through work and my bank.  It seems that my work can’t legally pay me under my married name unless that’s what social security says.  It’s understandable.  I don’t blame my job for sending me to Hell.

I got there 10 minutes after it opened at 8am and was already the 30th person in line.  In line for what, I did not know because the only person working in the building was a security officer who wasn’t allowed to answer any questions.  We were all queued up at Window G because there was a small sign at the front door which stated to do so. 

Around 8:30 someone actually opens up Window G and starts taking people.  It turns out this person is checking documentation (and stating every certified copy is Xeroxed and therefore cannot be used as an official document even though Hell itself states otherwise) and handing out numbers like we’re at the counter of a deli.

In response to the certified copy of my marriage license (I am upset that I just don’t know where the original is...) the bored looking receptionist told me I could go talk to Hell’s Minions, but she doubted they would take it.  Let them try!

I was given number 59.  I then went out to my car to get my cell phone so I could check the time (apparently time stands still in Hell because there are NO clocks on the walls!) and hunt through my glove compartment just in case my original marriage license happened to be there.  It wasn’t. 

I went back into the depths of Hell and chose a seat near Window D so I could eavesdrop on everyone’s situation as I had nothing else to entertain me.  Turns out that didn’t much either.  Although it was wide open, no one was even at Window D for a good 15 minutes after I sat down.  When someone finally did come, she saw two people before taking another 15 minute break.  Lots of breaks in Hell it seems.

I was finally seen at 9:50 by the quiet little old lady at Window E who didn’t quite understand the “Now Serving” sign at the back of the building and always started off by calling the wrong number.  She had absolutely no problem with my Xeroxed certified copy of my marriage license and by 9:55 I was out the door and on my way to work, where I was due in 5 minutes.  Needless to say, I was about 25 minutes late.

I no longer look forward to having children because I’m eventually going to have to deal with these people again.  I already informed Mark should we ever divorce, I am keeping his last name to avoid going back to Hell and wasting my time.

These people are so inefficient it really scares me.  How on earth can I expect to receive my new card in 7-10 days if it takes them two hours to look at my marriage license and change one word in their system?

Ugh.  The only remotely comforting thing I can say is that when you have a baby, you can request his or her SS card in the hospital at the same time you’re filling out the birth certificate, and they mail it to you - so God willing, you don’t have to actually go back.

Seriously, though - it should NOT be such a royal pain in the neck to get married and change your name.

Ahhh, that hospital thing is VERY good to know.  I didn’t get my SS# until I was 5 and went into school.  I didn’t even know you could give a baby one at birth.

*LOL*! I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been to several levels of Hell (DMV, courts, etc) and the SS office is the worst. Don’t you wish you were a gov’t employee so you could do about 45 minutes of work per day, be idiotic and rude to people, and get raises? Not to mention a nice pension..

When I went to get my name changed, the security dude was very helpful and said I could either fill out a piece of paper and put it in an envelope with the marriage doc, or I could wait three hours in line.

I was a bit nervous about giving them the only real copy of the marriage doc, but I figured getting a duplicate from the state would be easier than waiting for three hours in line.

Surprisingly, less than two weeks later they mailed me a new SS card and the marriage doc.

Heh, try requesting Social Security Disability. It is a level of Hell unparagoned.

Wow, I feel bad because it was no trouble at all getting my name changed.  As a matter of fact I didn’t even use my real marriage license.  I used a document that even said it was not a real marriage license and I even forged my husband’s signature on it!  I took a half day off work to get that stuff done and realized my husband didn’t sign it, so I signed it real fast that morning before I went about my tasks We got married in Wisconsin and I would’ve had to send off and pay for my marriage license (I live in Michigan).  There was no line at the Social Security office when I went and my “fake license” worked for the BMV and my bank! 

I was actually pretty surprised.  Although I didn’t even try that with my passport recently, I did send off for my real marriage license I think I even explained at all of the places that the document wasn’t official and they still took it.  I never really expected that.

I lucked out a few months ago and discovered a Social Security office that must only be in purgatory, not hell.  It was right before school started, and I needed info for my son.  The main office was reporting a 3-4 hour wait.  I was in and out of the little sub-office, just outside of downtown Houston, in under 30 minutes.  To say that I was thrilled about the whole thing is an understatement.

Heh, I’ve changed my name (legally, for several reasons) four different times.  You got off easy, babe. :D

But on a serious note—not only can you easily apply for a child’s SS# when they’re born, you kind of have to.  I’m fairly sure that the law now states that you can’t claim them as dependants on your taxes without one if they’re more than a year old.  Since it takes a while to get the card, you’re best off applying right away so that there is no question that you have the number when you need it.

LOL, no offense, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day.